Facebook should come with huggies

When facebook implemented the news feed, I don't think anyone realized what kind of gamble killing time at the office was about to become. There's nothing like logging on to facebook and being greeted by the smile of Biff, the guy fucking your ex/sister/tech-savvy divorced mom. It's like when you were in kindergarten and still too young to tell the difference between a fart and diarrhea. Only fate will decide whether you're about to laugh or shit your pants.

Back off Barry

Yes, Barry Bonds has probably injected more steroids than the Chinese National Swim Team, and yes, he's about as amicable as a voice mail from Alec Baldwin, but he isn't quite deserving of the derision he routinely receives outside the Bay Area. That is, not unless we're all willing to take a little heat for dishonesty in our own lives. Unfortunately for us, Barry Bonds hasn't been the only American to break the rules.

Finding examples isn't difficult. The highly competitive American economy, having already produced the likes of Ken Lay, can look forward to its next group of cheating leaders from Duke's Fuqua School of Business. Elsewhere in the economy, concern grows steadily as more and more loans resulting from predatory lending practices begin to default and homes are foreclosed. While the students from Duke faced disciplinary charges and Chapter 11 hasn't had this much buzz since MC Hammer bobble-head night, nobody is picketing, and soon enough our short attention spans will turn in some other direction.

We may also turn our eyes to politics, where unlike the boys on Mark Foley's buddy list, scandal has been alive long since 1990. Whether through selective firing of non-party line judges or simply fabricating pretenses for war, the Bush administration has done enough to raise questions about its ethics. How about David Vitter, family values pounding Senator from Louisiana, recently exposed as a client of the DC Madam? And while we're at it, let's be fair; depravity extends into both aisles. Despite what many a bumper sticker has quipped, the truth remains that Clinton in fact lied, even if nobody died.

Not even religion, a notion aimed solely at bolstering moral fiber and developing ethical living habits, can always be seen as a beacon of morality. Indeed, in the wake of a recent $660 million settlement for sexual abuse in Los Angeles, it seems like MySpace might be a safer haven for kids than Sunday School.

No matter how much we talk about an honest work ethic or family values, recent history has shown that it's too often just that - talk. Like Barry Bonds, our politicians, business leaders, and spiritual guides aren't providing a good enough example. The difference is that Barry Bonds can't lower taxes, give out jobs, or promise spiritual fulfillment, and in turn we've made him a scapegoat for society's transgressions. So sure, Barry often hasn't been kind, and the likelihood of foul play seems only to grow with his surging hat size and home run totals, but Barry Lemar Bonds is undeniably a man of his times. Rather than project our disgust on Bonds we ought heed the words of a little known blogger from the Middle East and "let he who is without sin cast the first stone".

Garden State's Most Prolific Weeds

Since blogging about falling bridges and earthquakes that trap miners isn't particularly funny, I thought I'd go with a another topic of horrific and tragic effect on the American psyche: New Jersey. That's right, the "Garden State", home of the Easy Pass.

I originally had the idea of simply blogging about the "New Jersey's Top 5 Worst Contributions to American Society", but in talking to fellow-blogger Geoff, it became obvious that there were simply too many terrible contributions. The solution? A blog-off! We'll each write a column with our own top 5's and you guys will vote which list is better, or in this case, worse. The loser will have to spend one night out on the town dressed like an extra on Growing up Gotti and do the winner's bidding. Naturally, we'll blog with the results and pictures.

Stay tuned.

Hear, Hear...

It is my distinct pleasure to announce the arrival of two personalities to drunkgirlsexyface. Andrew Katz, a good friend of mine and fantastic writer, will be contributing on sports related topics. Another friend of mine I've known for about 18 years, Geoff Bund, will be adding general commentary, but as his future likely involves flim, he'll probably be focusing on entertainment topics. I'm hoping these two will make their first posts sometime in the near future, but wanted to give everybody the heads up to stay tuned.

Check out Katz's flavor on a blog he did for the Pan-American Games basketball trial at Haverford.

DC-8s?

Scientology isn't a cult. Or at least that's what Mark Oppenheimer argues in a recent column on Slate. Oppenheimer defends his claim by invoking the familiar argument that Scientology's recent creation has more to with it's perceived cult status than it's actual practices. He goes on to further his point by referencing Freud's principle of the "narcissism of small differences" -- essentially that "We're made most uncomfortable by that which is most like us." Continuing, "...Scientology is no more bizarre than other religions. And it's the similarities between Scientology and, say, Christianity and Judaism that make us so uncomfortable." Obviously referring to the commonalities like the "E-meter", a World of Warcraft-esque hierarchy, and the shared belief that psychiatry gave rise to Hitler and Stalin, Oppenheimer maintains that most criticism of Scientology derives from perceived "exaggerations" of things you see in mainstream religions. To name a few: cost of participation, "pseudo-science", and of course, mythology. But why take my word for it?

And what about the "Xenu" creation myth anti-Scientologists are so fond of? Scientologists have promised me that it is simply not part of their theology—some say they learned about Xenu from South Park. Several ex-Scientologists have sworn the opposite. Given his frequent conflation of science fiction, theology, and incoherent musings, I think that Hubbard may have taught that eons ago, the galactic warlord Xenu dumped 13.5 trillion beings in volcanoes on Earth, blowing them up and scattering their souls. But I'm not sure that it is an important part of Scientology's teachings. And if Xenu is part of the church's theology, it's no stranger than what's in Genesis. It's just newer and so seems weirder.

I take issue with a number of points here. First, the burden of proof that Xenu is not a part of Scientological theology lies with Scientologists themselves. Naturally, this can't be proven, because only 1337 Dungeon Master Scientologists are permitted access to such knowledge.

Secondly, the Xenu myth plays a much greater role in Scientology than Genesis plays in the Judeo-Christian faith. One of Scientology's underlying practices, and not coincidentally, a significant source of income, is the removal of "thetans" from the body through a process called "auditing". Quite naturally, these thetans that plague Scientologists' daily existence are the result of Xenu's murderous genocide some 75 million years ago. Sounds reasonable. On the other hand, Genesis serves as a parable (for most), and is not used to directly extort vast sums of money from vapid, defenseless celebrities like Tom Cruise.

Lastly, Oppenheimer's assertion that the Xenu creation story is merely "newer and so seems weirder" could be used to teach a course on the difference between correlation and causation. It's like saying saying Elton John is gay because he wears rhinestone sunglasses. No, he's gay because he likes the feeling of a dick in his ass. The Xenu myth isn't weird because it's new, it's weird because it involves a galactic overlord shipping 13.5 million people to earth on Douglas DC-8s, planting them by earth's volcanoes, and annihilating them with hydrogen bombs.

(And on a side note, how did L. Ron Hubbard make a living as a sci-fi writer? DC-8s as a futurstic mode of transportation? They couldn't take the Chinatown bus?)

Also adding to Scientology's less than savory reputation is the "Sea Org", which Oppenheimer relates to monastic life. Admittedly, the facts are compelling. Like joining a monastery, Sea Org demands that its recruits sign a billion year contract while they serve as "emissaries" of Scientology's ethics. And as everybody knows, Scientology's ethics are exactly the same as Christian ethics. But just in case you weren't familiar, sociologist Stephen Kent highlights the similarities, "... the purpose of Scientology ethics is to eliminate opponents, then eliminate people's interests in things other than Scientology. In this 'ethical' environment, Scientology would be able to impose its courses, philosophy, and 'justice system' - its so-called technology - onto society." Additionally, poor performance in the Sea Org can land you in a Rehabilitation Project Force, essentially a prison camp serving to demean its inhabitants in nearly every conceivable capacity.

Look, I'm no huge proponent of organized religion. Like many others, I feel that religion has too often been exploited to further political, personal, and economic goals. But seriously, Mark Oppenheimer? The only difference between Scientology and Heaven's Gate is that L. Ron Hubbard had a keener sense of business.

To Boldly Go Where Only Men Have Gone Before...

Seeing my good friend Joe Bernstein in this picture reminds me of George Takei. In addition to their rare and ethnic ability to play untranslated versions of Final Fantasy, both apparently, are gay sci-fi stars. But the similarities don't end at their shared preference for setting aft thrusters at full power. The fact is that both are exceptional talents (if to slightly varying degrees of recognition), and I am proud to be associated with Joe's work over at Horny Horny Hippos.

Check 'em out.

The Beans Spilt on Grylls

There are very few times at work when I am overcome with the highest form of unadulterated bliss. Nope, I'm not talking about the satisfaction of a job well done. I'm not even talking about taking a dump and realizing you don't need to wipe. I'm talking about only one thing, one of the only pure pleasures left these days: the sweet taste of petty personal vindication. While farking this morning, I was afforded one such moment.

A recent article about Discovery Channel's Man vs. Wild host Bear Grylls in the Hollywood Reporter purports that the oft idolized survivalist might be more likely found in a Best Western than the Wild West. According to the report, a British station running an investigation of the show "confirmed that host Bear Grylls had partaken of indoor accommodations on at least two occasions when his series had depicted him spending the night in the wild."

Say it ain't so.

Propelled by the same genius responsible for facebook groups like Bear Grills would shit on Survivor Man, BEAR GRYLLS is Tits, and (my personal favorite) Bear Grylls: 99% of the worlds manhood in one human being.., Man vs. Wild's popularity has ballooned to unprecedented levels. Like 13 year old boys enjoying their first slow dance at Schlomo Ginsberg's Bar-Mitzvah, these mouth-breathing frat boys collectively reached a state of semi-arousal every time Grylls miraculously "trapped" a rabbit. Just picturing the look on their newly enlightened faces is, well, getting me aroused.

And don't get me wrong, I loved Wild. After all, what's not to like about a man squeezing an elephant turd for a drink of water? But as with most pop-culture phenomena that I enjoy, the show was wrested from my hands by a vast sea of assholes completely missing the point that Wild is just a better packaged Fear Factor. Discovery Channel, the show's network, proffered this steaming load of corporate BS:

"Discovery Communications has learned that isolated elements of the 'Man vs.Wild' show in some episodes were not natural to the environment, and that for health and safety concerns the crew and host received some survival assistance while in the field. "

No shit. Those bukake-blankets that hotels call comforters aren't natural in any environment except the Houston 620. But what's more important is that Discovery, which alleges "100% [transparency]" in the future, is missing the point too.

Wild isn't about masculinity or survival, it's all about fun. Like most "reality" shows, Wild blends an enthralling mix of authenticity, fantasy, and human touch. Just like there's no need to believe that WWE wrestlers actually fight or that all the snappy one-liners on MTV's Next aren't provided ahead of time, knowing that Grylls occasionally stays in a hotel shouldn't ruin the experience. If you don't believe me, try watching Survivorman.