DC-8s?

Scientology isn't a cult. Or at least that's what Mark Oppenheimer argues in a recent column on Slate. Oppenheimer defends his claim by invoking the familiar argument that Scientology's recent creation has more to with it's perceived cult status than it's actual practices. He goes on to further his point by referencing Freud's principle of the "narcissism of small differences" -- essentially that "We're made most uncomfortable by that which is most like us." Continuing, "...Scientology is no more bizarre than other religions. And it's the similarities between Scientology and, say, Christianity and Judaism that make us so uncomfortable." Obviously referring to the commonalities like the "E-meter", a World of Warcraft-esque hierarchy, and the shared belief that psychiatry gave rise to Hitler and Stalin, Oppenheimer maintains that most criticism of Scientology derives from perceived "exaggerations" of things you see in mainstream religions. To name a few: cost of participation, "pseudo-science", and of course, mythology. But why take my word for it?

And what about the "Xenu" creation myth anti-Scientologists are so fond of? Scientologists have promised me that it is simply not part of their theology—some say they learned about Xenu from South Park. Several ex-Scientologists have sworn the opposite. Given his frequent conflation of science fiction, theology, and incoherent musings, I think that Hubbard may have taught that eons ago, the galactic warlord Xenu dumped 13.5 trillion beings in volcanoes on Earth, blowing them up and scattering their souls. But I'm not sure that it is an important part of Scientology's teachings. And if Xenu is part of the church's theology, it's no stranger than what's in Genesis. It's just newer and so seems weirder.

I take issue with a number of points here. First, the burden of proof that Xenu is not a part of Scientological theology lies with Scientologists themselves. Naturally, this can't be proven, because only 1337 Dungeon Master Scientologists are permitted access to such knowledge.

Secondly, the Xenu myth plays a much greater role in Scientology than Genesis plays in the Judeo-Christian faith. One of Scientology's underlying practices, and not coincidentally, a significant source of income, is the removal of "thetans" from the body through a process called "auditing". Quite naturally, these thetans that plague Scientologists' daily existence are the result of Xenu's murderous genocide some 75 million years ago. Sounds reasonable. On the other hand, Genesis serves as a parable (for most), and is not used to directly extort vast sums of money from vapid, defenseless celebrities like Tom Cruise.

Lastly, Oppenheimer's assertion that the Xenu creation story is merely "newer and so seems weirder" could be used to teach a course on the difference between correlation and causation. It's like saying saying Elton John is gay because he wears rhinestone sunglasses. No, he's gay because he likes the feeling of a dick in his ass. The Xenu myth isn't weird because it's new, it's weird because it involves a galactic overlord shipping 13.5 million people to earth on Douglas DC-8s, planting them by earth's volcanoes, and annihilating them with hydrogen bombs.

(And on a side note, how did L. Ron Hubbard make a living as a sci-fi writer? DC-8s as a futurstic mode of transportation? They couldn't take the Chinatown bus?)

Also adding to Scientology's less than savory reputation is the "Sea Org", which Oppenheimer relates to monastic life. Admittedly, the facts are compelling. Like joining a monastery, Sea Org demands that its recruits sign a billion year contract while they serve as "emissaries" of Scientology's ethics. And as everybody knows, Scientology's ethics are exactly the same as Christian ethics. But just in case you weren't familiar, sociologist Stephen Kent highlights the similarities, "... the purpose of Scientology ethics is to eliminate opponents, then eliminate people's interests in things other than Scientology. In this 'ethical' environment, Scientology would be able to impose its courses, philosophy, and 'justice system' - its so-called technology - onto society." Additionally, poor performance in the Sea Org can land you in a Rehabilitation Project Force, essentially a prison camp serving to demean its inhabitants in nearly every conceivable capacity.

Look, I'm no huge proponent of organized religion. Like many others, I feel that religion has too often been exploited to further political, personal, and economic goals. But seriously, Mark Oppenheimer? The only difference between Scientology and Heaven's Gate is that L. Ron Hubbard had a keener sense of business.